Congratulations, newly recruited New York City Police Officer—you have been selected to keep the peace outside the Republican National Convention! This is a real “top-drawer” assignment, and a good opportunity to advance your career. But it is also demanding, and requires an ability to adhere steadfastly to your NYPD training.
Here is a true-life example of someone who did not have this ability:
Officer Y was patrolling the streets during a large anti-government demonstration full of angry, troublemaking activists. Officer Y was overwhelmed, and began to lose his “cool.”
“Jeepers,” Officer Y said to himself, “look at those liberal hose-bags dressed as beavers with their butts caught in giant traps. They must symbolize George Bush’s destruction of our ecosystem. And those latte-sipping elites lying chained together on the pavement. They are grieving the thousands of immigrants deported by this administration. I am learning here! Perhaps my own low pay and lousy NYPD contract are also the result of Republican policies. Why, I think I’ll quit my job, exercise my Constitutional right to free speech and become a fulltime terrorist!”
Officer Y is now exercising his Constitutional right to endure torture at an undisclosed army base in Kuwait. You can avoid his mistake by remembering that the very activists who appear to criticize government policies are, in reality, out to get you.
These Saddam-hugging peace mongers belong inside metal barricades along the West Side Highway, inhaling exhaust fumes under the hot sun, where they can safely practice their First Amendment “rights” for the few Indymedia.org camcorders able to find them. Instead, they seek to denounce the “Republican-sanctioned deaths of countless innocent Iraqis” in Central Park—where they would crush and murder countless blades of innocent, Republican-planted grass.
OBSERVE THE PERV. As a New York City Police Officer, you will need to identify the protest tactics by which activists will question your authority. Some of these tactics may look stupid, but they are, in fact, highly subversive. Be on the lookout for:
Activists shouting “SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!” and shaking their fingers in unison in front of “capitalist, patriarchal” edifices such as Madison Square Garden or the Stock Exchange. These people are reenacting childhood potty-training traumas in which they were scolded when they soiled themselves, and made to feel like large, dirty buildings. Lots of queers, here. Wear latex gloves, and make sure Homeland Security agents get their names and addresses for further scolding.
Activists raising their arms and punching the air with their fists. They are subconsciously telling you that they are into the disgusting sexual practice of “fisting.” Keep your hand firmly on your nightstick, or, if possible, broom handle.
Beware “Two-Four-Six-Eight, Separate the Church and State!” and other slogans that, when chanted, RHYME. They have been devised by pierced-faced MBA dropouts and Al Qaeda plants inside Madison Avenue focus groups to control your mind. Do not listen! If you feel your will crumbling, try screaming the words to the Oscar Mayer Weiner song at the top of your lungs.
GETTING PHYSICAL. If the sight of some activist’s head bashed open on the sidewalk repels you, take heed: you are probably becoming an activist. There is only one way to combat this activist tendency. Bash some activist’s head in.
While brutalizing, it is a good idea to notice if protesters cover their heads, try to stagger away, or display other signs that they are “resisting arrest”—even when you were not arresting them in the first place. A split lip, an eye swollen shut with mace will hold up in any court as proof that this twisted degenerate started the whole thing.
COP CAVEAT. According to our mayor, some activists are more refined than others and have come to New York mainly to buy things. These folks can be identified by their “Peaceful Political Activist” buttons, which entitle them to discounts at our many fine theaters and eateries. So whack them more softly with your nightstick and use less pepper spray.
COMMIE COUNTING. Political activists often accuse police of undercounting the number of protesters at their demonstrations. So try this new, scientific approach to crowd estimation: Look at all the activists. Close your eyes. Now, imagine these activists after they have been hit by a 20-megaton bomb. Divide by 17. Subtract the number of miles you have to drive from your suburban home to get to your beat in the inner city. Subtract the number of “Rs” in your name, or, if this is a month with a vowel in it, subtract 150,000. Add 3. voila!—the scientifically correct activist figure!
DEMOCRACIES “R” US. It is a myth that anti-RNC activists can be arrested only for doing something illegal. You can arrest them for nothing, just like you can arrest blacks, Latins, or other ethnics. Just make something up, and your fellow officers will go along. It’s easy and fun! Because with cops, Silence does NOT=Death, Silence=Wall. Blue Wall, that is.
Get it? Blue Wall of Silence? The Wall that protects us from those nellie Civilian Complaint boards? You don’t get it? Hey, what are you—an activist or something?