Santa vs. Anna

Paula Tushbai If Santa Claus listened to DJ Junior Vasquez’s Anna Nicole Show remix and watched Anna Nicole’s Holiday Special, he’d say: “No presents for Anna Nicole Smith! Cause she’s been a naughty girl, and naughty girls don’t get presents!” If you haven’t heard Vasquez’s extremely witty remix, you’re missing out, but if you missed Anna Nicole’s extremely vulgar Holiday Special last Sunday, you’re so lucky. Trust me. “For the remix, I picked the less vulgar of the sound bites from the first season,” Vasquez says. “Vulgar was just not the way to go.” The remix was done for E! and will be played in clubs, to be followed by a vinyl release in February (no radio-ready version is being prepared.) Or was it? Judge for yourself. Here are some of the sound bites Vasquez chose for one of his remixes (Note: Anna Nicole really said these things on TV): “I haven’t had sex in two years.” “I just want to suck on a weenie.” “So, I swallow, so. I’m proud to swallow.” “I’m doing a porno with seven guys, two girls and a dog.” “I can’t eat over $600 worth of food.” “Quit farting. Nasty. Nasty.” Not vulgar enough for you? Then watch the reruns of the Anna Nicole Holiday Special Dec 21 at 9 p.m. or 1 a.m.. You genuinely won’t believe what you’re seeing. I don’t want to spoil it for those who may want to watch the somehow-amusing half-hour program, so I’m just going to give away a few of the show’s highlights: a life-size Anna Nicole ice sculpture, midgets in holiday costumes, penis puppeteers, off-key Christmas karaoke, Anna Nicole’s drunk, kissy-face close-ups, comedienne Margaret Cho’s French kiss with Anna Nicole, and last, but definitely not least, Shelly’s striptease for the cameras, her fully clothed dip in the pool, and her unbelievable fist fight with two other guests. Shelly is Anna Nicole’s toothless cousin from Texas. “Overall, we had a wonderful time,” Anna says at the end of the show. “So, Merry Christmas and happy holidays to all y’all.” After she says this, there’s a shot of her on the toilet. Does reality TV need a reality check? Is Anna Nicole really that crude? Or is it all a show? Does she act like a drugged-out fool for our sake? Is our conception of “entertainment” that twisted? “She’s entertaining,” Vasquez says. “She hooked me in a couple of times because she just seemed so sad—not pathetic—but sad, you know, kinda, sorta numb, but that’s what makes her funny.” People watched the first season—lots of people—and these people can watch it next year too because, believe it or not, there’s going to be a 13-episode second season.

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