BY SUSIE DAY |In a move that may indicate some internal disarray within the GOP, Karl Rove, former deputy chief of staff to President George W. Bush, called a press conference today to announce a new candidate in the Republican Party's lineup of presidential contenders.
“McCain, Romney, they're okay,” said Rove, renowned for his ingenious campaign strategies. “But we need a candidate that has truly suffered; one that has faced down prejudice and loathing; a candidate that embodies all things to all people while proudly personifying our American system of free enterprise. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you – The Blob.”
A large globular creature, its head and neck areas outfitted in a jaunty straw hat and red bowtie, oozed onstage and leaned on a bamboo cane, as if ready to take questions. After several seconds of stunned silence, the media began its barrage.
“Mr. – or Ms.? – Blob,” stuttered a reporter from the Baltimore Sun, “are you not a constantly expanding mass of dark energy, somewhat resembling an immense Hefty garbage bag teeming with voracious, pus-ridden mucous from another planet?”
“I'll field that one,” said Rove. “The Blob has known great pain. The Blob is descended from a long line of noble alien warriors who came to this country to better themselves, and found only bigotry and hatred. After some genetic enhancement at the laboratories of biotech giant Monsanto, The Blob attained corporate personhood and was able to graduate, summa cum laude, from Harvard Business School. Due to societal injustice, however, The Blob has yet to obtain a valid drivers license. So The Blob is not a mere vessel of intergalactic mucous; The Blob is an agent for change. The Blob is here, asking for your vote.”
By happy chance, a journalist from the New York Times Arts & Leisure section was present. “But doesn't The Blob suck up cats, bats, unicorns, people, DeSoto sedans, and entire towns?” she asked. “And didn't Steve McQueen destroy this eponymous Blob in the 1958 feature film?”
Rove bowed his head, as if to let pass some searing personal anguish. “It hasn't been easy for The Blob to transcend its legacy of persecution, knowing its progenitors were attacked and spit on because of … what they were. Yet The Blob's people have made vital contributions to our nation. The entire Westward Ho movement, for example, the right of eminent domain, the development of mergers and leveraged buyouts – all were uncredited rip-offs from Blob culture. How could America have become the world's greatest superpower if The Blob had not inspired umpteen interventions into foreign countries? Yes, The Blob has occupied a front-row seat in history. I believe there was even a Blob alongside Dr. King as he marched – “
“Oh, I get it!” interrupted veteran reporter Helen Thomas. “Your Republican white boys can't compete with the Democrats' African-American man and white woman candidates, so you want to run somebody from an oppressed group?”
“Sit down, Helen,” said Rove. “We've gone way beyond identity politics, here. The Blob, having no race, no sex, and no discernible way of pleasuring itself, save that of devouring everything in its path, would be an advancement over any president in US history – with the obvious exception of George W. Bush.”
Interestingly, some analysts noted that this new Republican candidate seemed less hawkish than many of its rivals. Although The Blob continues to waffle in its stance on water boarding, for instance, a Blob presidency could unite some rightists with an element of the anti-war movement. Conservative pundit Norman Podhoretz, covering this story for Soldier of Fortune magazine, conjectured, “We could democratize the entire Persian Gulf just by pointing The Blob at it. Then we sit back while it consumes the entire region – after carefully removing our troops, of course. That ought to shut Cindy Sheehan up.”
Even some on the radical left were heard to contemplate a Blob in the White House.
“Everyone knows there's no hope for Revolution – all we can do is damage control,” sighed Cyrus Prolehammer of the Workers Work Party. “This election won't change the system. No matter whom we elect, we'll still have corporate greed, poverty, a horrifying renaissance of nuclear energy and weapons, lethal healthcare, racist cops, homophobia. The Blob's about as bland as Obama and as appealing as Hillary. So why not vote Blob, move to Venezuela, and die in Caracas fighting off the American invasion?”
Suddenly, a scream tore through the audience. A woman, who had approached the podium, now stood waving a small pink blanket and shrieking, “My baby! That horrid thing ate my little Emily! The Blob is no candidate – The Blob is a monster!”
“Yeah, well,” conceded Karl Rove, smoothing his scalp. “When you think about it, aren't they all monsters? And lest we forget, The Blob believes in Jesus.”
“Finally,” called out someone in the crowd. “A candidate we can trust.”