Mohammed to Falwell: Shut Up

Fundamentalist Baptist minister Jerry Falwell, who has for years reviled gay people, calling them “perverts,” recently expanded his horizon to revile the entire Islamic religion, calling Mohammed a “terrorist.” Few pundits have answered this charge until today on CNN’s Wolf Blitzer Reports, when the Reverend Falwell was joined by Mohammed, himself, the Prophet and founder of Islam. It is impossible to describe the Prophet physically, as he appeared to each television viewer in a different form. This reporter, however, thought Mohammed resembled the poet Alan Ginsberg, but talked very much like Robert De Niro in Analyze This. “Look, Jerry,” Mohammed began, “I got enough on my plate these days without some Christian calling me a terrorist. How would you like it if I called YOU a Commie fag?” A hush fell over the newsroom, then a rousing debate ensued, the partial transcript of which follows: JERRY: Sir, I am neither a Communist nor a homosex–– MOHAMMED: Oh, yeah? Are you not part of a religiously correct vanguard? A vanguard that supports the overthrow of the ruling class in order to seize the means of spiritual production, thus creating a so-called dictatorship of the Millenarians which would then urge the masses to revolt against their secular oppression, thus consolidating your own political power? At this point in your fiendish plan, History ends, and it’s into the dustbin with Jews, Moslems, queers, Hindus, pagans, feminists, and everybody else. That’s your idea of Heaven. For shame, you Commie fag. JERRY: No! Well, yes, but––NO! MOHAMMED: You’re also in love with a man, Jerry. Admit it. It’s Jesus. You lo-o-o-o-ve him. Jerry + Jesus! Sittin’ in a tree! Ha ha ha!!! JERRY: I love Jesus, yes. But he has entered my heart, Mohammed. ONLY my heart! MOHAMMED: That’s not what Jesus tells ME, Jerry. Hey, I’m enlightened, remember? Jesus is enlightened. Enlightened guys talk. It’s natural. We see into your deepest desires and fantasies, Jerry. We see EVERYTHING. We know, for instance, that you prefer to throw your old newspapers out in the garbage, rather than recycle them. Me and Jesus, we don’t like that, see? We want you to recycle, Jerry. JERRY: I––I dispose of waste in accordance with God’s plan for us, I–– MOHAMMED: Me and Jesus, we also know you believe that religion is the opiate of the masses. You get people artificially high. Ain’t that right, Commie fag pusher-man? JERRY: O Christ, prove to me the depth of your love by gouging out the eyes of mine enemy, here. MOHAMMED: Me and Jesus agree on a lot more things than you know, Jerry. Jesus says, “Mo, I’m so sick of them fundamentalists. Mostly, I’m sick of that guy Falwell, calling people perverts and sinners and terrorists. Telling people who’s “saved” and who ain’t. I mean, Stalin during the Moscow trials couldn’t have been worse.” JERRY: Jesus would never say that to me. He-s so––so nice! MOHAMMED: Jesus is nice to everyone, Jerry. It’s one of his biggest problems. He’s got codependent tendencies, see. But when you get down to it, Jesus really doesn’t like you. JERRY: I would like to see your credentials, sir. You see, I know my Bible, and you are not in it. That makes you what one might call a [chuckling] “surplus Prophet.” MOHAMMED: There you go with your Marxist-Leninist rhetoric, you pervert. JERRY: I am just a regular guy, trying to live my life. Why do you hate me? MOHAMMED: I don’t hate you, Jerry. You got to love the sinner, right? So I love you. You can’t help it if you’re a pervert. JERRY: I am not a pervert! MOHAMMED: Oh yeah? What about the example you’re setting for today’s youth? Jesus and me, we’re plenty worried, see. Imagine, innocent young men and women, serving in the U.S. military, bombing and killing and wiping out entire peoples and cultures. And why? Because they been taught that the Prophet of these peoples and cultures is a “terrorist.” JERRY: O Lord, please hurry and bomb this terrorist–– MOHAMMED: Fair is fair, Jerry. You call me a terrorist. I call you a Commie fag. You got to “Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You.” JERRY: I thought that was “Do Unto Others BEFORE They Do Unto You.” MOHAMMED: You should know, Commie fag. JERRY: I am NOT a Commie fag. MOHAMMED: And I am not a terrorist…

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