Larry on the Beach

In a world filled with religious strife, conservative orthodoxy, and holy war, a new God was discovered last Tuesday by a group of homosexuals, taking their post-orgy stroll on the beach at Fire Island.

“We’d just finished the last of the banana daiquiris and were feeling a little spent,” said Warren Lovelog, whose job as a legal assistant at Sullivan Cromwell allows him to rent a beach house with 11 friends every summer. The group began to grumble about the hardships faced by gay men, lesbians, transgenders, and bisexuals on a daily basis.

“Like getting beat up, harassed, kicked out of your job, AIDS, that stuff,” said Lovelog. “Then somebody said how too bad it was that none of this crap ever happened to Ronald Reagan, so maybe we should all just kill ourselves.

Suddenly there was this blinding flash and… there He was. Larry. According to the group, Larry presented Himself to give them hope, and to remind the world that God is an out homosexual. Larry also reportedly told them that, although they should enjoy the beautiful beachfront property He had created, pushing down the mortgage rates in case they decided to buy, they should also remember to have no other god before Larry.

Many remain skeptical, but Larry’s followers insist that Larry is a certified divinity because He: (a) says he is God, (b) appears in the sky surrounded by tasteful, indirect lighting, (c) sports a trim, silver beard and speaks in a deep, rumbling voice, (d) has a “ding-dong” the size of the Chrysler Building, and (e) looks amazing in a Speedo.

Despite Larry’s virile attributes, some of His disciples claim that Larry was not born a male.

“We believe that Larry is actually the Great Mother Goddess,” stated Beebo Bieber, who was a self-described lesbian separatist in the 1970s and now runs a bed and breakfast in the Catskills. “But you change with the times.

Larry decided She/He could better save the world by becoming F-2-M. We totally support Larry’s transiting and welcome Him/Her to our womyn’s music festival this year, August 6-9, pre-registration $700, and please, leave your oppressive sadomasochism paraphernalia at home.”

Although Larry’s “out-and-proud” credo is unique in the pantheon of ethereal beings, Larry’s goal is much like that of any other deity who wants to establish itself as the sole, omnipotent ruler of the Universe. Warren Lovelog, who immediately went out and became an ordained pastor of The Church of the Latter Day Larry, revealed that Larry is working on a list of Commandments to consolidate His base.

So far, however, Larry has only finished one: “Thou shalt not lie with a member of the opposite sex’s member.” When asked whether this badly-worded injunction was not also inherently bigoted and intolerant, Lovelog responded, “Well, of course it’s bigoted and intolerant, idiot. How are you going to have an organized religion without bigotry and intolerance? You secular humanists make me sick.”

According to the newly released King Jim Version of the Lesbian/Gay/Transgender/Bi/ble [Knopf, $24.95], it is the societal institution of heterosexuality itself that causes the world’s suffering and is bringing on the death of civilization.

“Larry loves straight people, he just hates their boinking,” said Krystal Meth, a former exotic dancer and drag queen, now a Larry acolyte. “It’s because of His love that Larry will pull your eyelids off and send you to hell if He catches you being heterosexual. Larry also wants us to attend heterosexual funerals and other public events to scream at these disgusting sinners with great stridency, while we rebuke them with psychotic, hand-scrawled placards. This is Larry’s Plan for us.”

On sidewalks, in subways, even in private residential buildings, born-again Larryans are stopping people and handing them Xeroxed pamphlets, entitled

“Jesus Christ is the Anti-Larry,” which describe the steps leading to heterosexual damnation. Anyone who accepts Larry into his or her heart will be “saved,” and, upon dying, is given a free condominium at Larry’s Beachfront Paradise, where the fajitas are low-carb and nobody ever gets skin cancer.

Given this beatific vision, it is perhaps no accident that assaults on heterosexuals have risen by a dramatic 43 percent in the last week. Earlier today, Pastor Lovelog, claiming to act on orders from Larry, led his congregation in picketing a heterosexual wedding in Tacoma Park, Maryland, where protesters carried signs that read “Larry Hates Straights!” and “Donna Reed is in Hell!” Police raided the event just in time to stop some of the fundamentalists from shoving a five-tiered cake up the groom’s nether regions, in order to forcibly “convert” him.

Of course, this religion, like any other, has already developed conflicting branches that challenge the dominant orthodoxy. Some Jewish followers aver that Larry is only a Golem, sent to break Jerry Falwell’s nose, while Maoist Larryans feel that there is no afterlife unless you’ve joined the Revolutionary Communist Party. Perhaps the last word belongs to secular humanists, who opine that, until the world rids itself of its hatred and fear of queer people, The Church of the Latter Day Larry will probably remain intact—and grow.

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